Almost immediately after publishing my last post, I received this note in my mailbox:

I just read your post about your life choices and find it fascinating.
As a current PhD student in mechanical engineering I would love to
hear more about your experiences! Do you miss the science? What does
your husband do and how has that affected your relocation? Is he an
academic too?

Mostly, I’m embarking on answering the questions I asked you above for
myself fairly soon and I’d appreciate any advice or experiences that
you could share.

I think that a LOT of women in academia struggle with these questions. As academics, we’re taught that the research we’re doing is the most important thing in the world, and that it’s really our DUTY to perform this work. We work hard ALL the time, and put in an incredible number of hours to do this research…and then to publish it, to present it at conferences, travel to collect data and even crunch numbers on the computer while doing other things (knitting, watching TV, eating.) We’re never really not working. At almost every conference I went to, someone started his or her talk by saying, “This idea came to me while jogging [or in the shower, or in the car.]

The mind is constantly thinking about the work. And that’s not to say that we don’t ENJOY that pace! There’s something about it that attracts us, the adrenaline rush of figuring out different problems, of a theory coming together into a finished paper, submitting articles and presenting work…it’s a TOTAL RUSH. And I think that that’s a major part of why I tend to find myself drifting to thoughts that question my decision.

Because it’s FINAL. You can’t just walk away from science for 5 years while the kids are babies and go back. You have to publish X # of papers a year (the number varies by discipline) in order to be considered for jobs. You have to show that you’re driven and serious and that you put your work first. And I really understand that. And I thought that that was what I wanted and would do.

And then I got sick. And I thought I’d never have kids. And I was destroyed. It’s one thing to think, “Oh, I’ll have them if I want to when I want to” and keep putting it off because of situations and circumstances. It’s another thing to have someone tell you that without a major surgery, the likelihood is really not good, not to plan on it, and just basically to give up the thought of being a parent.

That really just stopped me in my tracks. It brought my core self to the foreground. And by Core Self I mean the little girl playing with dolls, the maternal part of myself that was always there and had always on some level imagined myself with a family.

SO… I had a surgery that reversed this health issue (massive fibroid tumors, major myomectomy) and we started trying to get pregnant. While I was working at the University as a Post Doc. At that time, I had just started working on a project to test the effects of high pressure on the rate of radioactive decay of Earth Core materials. This involved traveling 4 hours to a research facility by car, and then working in a “hot” (radioactive) environment with radioactive materials. NOT an environment for embryos!

SO, when I became pregnant, it was decided that I’d turn in my resignation at work. My boss approached me and told me that I couldn’t work under those conditions, and what were we going to do. That was the only project going on in the lab, and really the only thing to do was to just quit. She told me that she’d investigated it, and that I was hired to do a specific job, and if I was no longer able to do that job…I could be let go. I didn’t argue. I just agreed to leave. As it is now in science, post docs are like migrant workers. We get health benefits, but have no job security. There are lots of articles about this situation if you care to google it.

At this point, after all of the hoopla of the surgery and recovery and pregnancy, I was honestly ready to go. It was hard to get time off for the surgery (6 weeks recovery time…it was a major operation, not laproscopic like some myomectomies) and so there was some ill will by this point already. And my attention to my work through all of this was flagging. I didn’t have the physical energy OR brain power to devote to it and just honestly didn’t really care. It was a good decision to let me go, and I knew it. I was not working to my usual standard, and certainly not to that of Science.

In the knitting side of things, Fitted Knits had come out and was selling so well that it was unbelievable. This made me think that if I could publish a book a year I’d be really in a good situation and why not give that a shot. I also had my online pattern sales and teaching gigs and other things I was doing to bring some income…so it just seemed like things would work out. I was earning the same money at knitting that I was at my job.

(My husband is an artist, and works for the city museum system as preparator / exhibitions tech. He prepares the artwork for exhibition at 4 city museums. So, he has an income, great health care, etc., so that was also covered.)

We thought that we’d be here for maybe a year until I found a professor position and then move on…but then we had our baby news, and decided that we’d be here at least until she was old enough for day care. After Mazie (daughter 1) was so awesome, we decided to try for # 2 (successfully.) With this news, and with the economy the way it is we realized that we’d be here in town for a while longer, and bought our first house. My parents live in town, so they’ve been a great help with the girls. There are all kinds of reasons to stay put a while longer.

So. Life just kind of took us on a trip. I mean, my life is NOTHING like I imagined it would be while I was a student.

Do I miss science? YES. I miss the challenge, I miss the people, I miss the travel and feeling so important. I miss feeling like my work had an impact (or potential impact) on the world. I miss feeling like I was contributing to the body of knowledge about out planet and others. There’s a lot that I miss.

Would I change anything about the way things went? There are things that I’d change. Firstly, I’d have had my surgery sooner and gotten it out of the way so that I could mentally focus more on the work that I was hired to do. Waiting until the time was better for my boss really affected the way that I thought about my work (resented it) and myself (for not having more of a backbone about my health.) I would have really made a push there at the end to contribute something to the group (publication or data) so that I could feel better about leaving and have no regrets.

Would I go back to work if I could take it all back? This is the big question…and the answer is NO. If I look at the whole thing and all of the experiences i had as a student and post doc…it was worth it. I’m glad to have gotten to travel, to work abroad, to obtain my degree. None of it was a waste, I’m a more rounded, educated individual with a truly global viewpoint. I’ve worked with people from all over the world, and seen a good deal of the world myself. BUT. My girls are my world now. I don’t mean that I’m not a person in and of myself, but that having them has really touched me and awoken that Core Self to what really matters to me. My family, my kids, my husband…not what I physically make or how many times my name shows up in google or how much money I make. It’s about being true to myself and to my instinct and raising children who will be positive forces out there in the world.

I do sometimes wish that I’d had kids sooner, but then I wouldn’t have had the experiences that have shaped my viewpoint. I wouldn’t be the same person.

SO…I guess things have worked out the way that they should.

I still wonder what I’ll do after the girls are in school. I think about possible ways to use my education doing something that doesn’t suck my soul and eat it. So that’s where my last post came from.

It’s sometimes hard to be satisfied when I’m here in this messy house all day and my daughter, my treasure, is screaming, “No Mommy! Stop! I don’t want my nap! You’re NOT my friend!” And the biggest event of the week is Mother Goose time at the library. But I just tell myself that it’s time to slow down. They’re only babies for such a short time and I’m so lucky to get to experience all of these things with them.

There are ups and downs and some days seem to last forever…but overall I’m really actually happy. I love my family, I love my kids, and if I had to give up my job for that…well, then it wasn’t the job for me.

The last few years have brought a lot change into my life. I was used to moving around a lot because of work and school. Nathan and I started out in Iowa, then moved to New York, then to Baltimore, then to Germany, and now here to New Mexico. All of those are major moves…and going from Undergraduate Student to PhD Candidate to Post-Doctoral Researcher to Adjunct Professor…those are all big changes, too. But the change from Scientist to Housewife / Mother. That one was the biggest.

Every day I have moments where I wonder if I did the right thing. Did I really make the best choice? After leaving NMSU when I got pregnant, I had several job offers, one even for full-time full professor…and I turned them down. I just couldn’t see starting something like that when I had my little baby at home to take care of. I just can’t imagine myself working 60+ hours a week while having these little girls at a baby sitter or in day care. Maybe because I didn’t think that I’d have kids, now that I do, it seems so magical that I don’t want to miss a second.

(BTW: whatever works for other people is great, I have no objection to moms working, that’s what I thought *I’d* do until I was confronted with the situation…so please don’t misunderstand me on that point!)

I guess this is just one of those days that I find myself contemplating life and choices and thinking about the future.